Long-Distance Relationships

One thing that's a little frightening about the changes happening in my life right now is the idea of having to maintain a long-distance relationship with my fiancé. So many relationships crumble in the face of that kind of stress; many people aren't ready to face the particular problems that come with such separation. When I thought we'd be in a LDR before -- going off to grad school somewhere, while he finds a job -- I really was terrified that we wouldn't make it.

Of course, being engaged really does change things. There's a certain kind of emotional security that comes with it. After all, it's a promise in itself, a kind of pre-committment to spend the rest of your life with someone else. It lessens the fear that another person will come along, or they'll be other distractions. You feel good knowing that they really do want to be with you, that it's not just convenient or some kind of game. So we have that -- and really, that's a wonderful feeling.

Still, there are a few things we need to make sure of once I'm several states away. For one thing, I'm not exactly the best of communicators. To me, there's less of a need to talk to my family and friends every single day... but he really loves just talking to me, hearing my voice, and generally reconnecting to me when we're apart. I have to respect that, and in reality it helps me to maintain a great relationship with him as well. Our solution is to set aside time every night -- say at 8:00 p.m. -- when one of us will call, IM, or email the other (he prefers phone calls). It keeps us at a good place, I think, and we don't even have to talk that long. Just saying "hi, how was your day" is a great way to keep an emotional connection.

Trust is also important in this kind of relationship. We've worked hard to build and maintain that kind of trust, and for some people this aspect can be the most difficult of all. In a LDR, it's probably the most critical part of the relationship. You really have to believe that the other person is doing the right thing, all of the time, and that they're being honest and responsible. Without it, many relationships wither and die, or go through very tough times. This ties in to communication, too; great communication can build trust.

Along with those two is the ever-elusive "respect" for the other person in the relationship. It's one of the hardest things to learn, really -- your SO is a different person, with different needs, and the relationship is a dynamic one. Things change, and you not only have to respect that person but the separate "being" that is the relationship. Compromise is key, and while it's easy to say that, it's not always easy to actually do it. Realizing that the person you love has needs that are different from yours is one of the hardest, yet most important, things you can do.

If you can afford it, getting some kind of counseling (premarital or couple's) is actually a great way to reinforce an already great relationship or fix one that has a few problems that need work. Barring that, talking to someone you can trust -- which works best if it's an objective, yet compassionate, third party -- is a way to try to find useful solutions to issues and problems you might be having.

In any case, I'm hoping for the best of luck with my own LDR as I get ready to head off to graduate school. I think it's a great test for us before we actually get married... in a way I think by exposing any weak spots we might have, it enables us to take care of them right away, rather than letting them fester without realizing it. It also lets us try out living on our own for awhile, cooking for ourselves, and generally taking care of our own business because we have to. That's especially important for me, because I can sometimes be a little too dependent on other people. But it's good for him too: He can learn how to cook!